A stabbing pain rhythmically electrocutes my head like lightening during a storm. The soft cloth of my pillow is now wet and sticking to my cheek and the only movement I can manage right now takes all the remaining effort I have to raise my eye lids. At this point I don’t even know why I lift them because the midnight blankets my room not even leaving shadows to gaze upon. The painful recent memories make another stinging tear at my heart, and I sob loudly (but not too loud to not wake up the rest of the house) … “I want to go home!”
I don’t understand why these words find their place in my mouth because I thought I was home. I’m lying in my bed that I’ve slept in for 5 years. I’m under a roof where the walls that hold it up can tell many of my childhood stories. With this realization I shout out once more, “I just want to go home!” I hold myself tighter and pour my tears and wail my sobs till my body falls asleep.
I’ve had many nights filled with tears and every one of these nights I cry confused and lost to a home I concluded that I don’t have. After many months of feeling lost it had occurred to me that the reason for my pain was because I was sitting on these visions I’ve had for myself. A vision of success. A vision of companionship and friendship. A vision of a wonderful life with Jesus in the middle of it all.
I found out the hard way that I’ve mislead myself into thinking my DREAMS are my VISIONS. You see, visions are certain, “set in stone” pictures of the future while dreams are wishes, wants, desires that we strive for. If we root ourselves on to those dreams, God will quickly show us the emptiness of those foundations. The reality is that sometimes those dreams we have were never promised to us by God, because he has something different for you It might take a long enduring season of loneliness and failures and mistakes to understand that. but in that time of loneliness my heart didn’t give up. My body gave up hundreds of times but the little sparklet of light made me see the only friend I had was God. He was the only one that said he understood when everyone around me didn’t.
In the midst of this broken and naked season I would reach for my bible. Sometimes in full desperation and other times with a half-hearted and undesired urge to get it over with. I didn’t want to be in my situation and found it hard to “count it all joy” but I knew I needed to get out and figure out who I am and where I belong… “ask…and you shall receive…”
- “… I will be with you always, even till the end of age.” Matthew 28:20
- “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
- “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying, not pain anymore for the former things have passed away.” Revelations 21:4
- “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people and God himself will be with them as their God.” Revelations 21:3
My heart started pumping these words which ignited an unexplainable fire. Vision was defined to me. The blurry edges became crisp and sharp like when rotating the lens of the camera. Honestly, I didn’t even realize God was showing me he is home. The honest souls that are broken, scarred and well aware of the emptiness that lingers throughout the day have a home. It’s in the arms of Jesus, the God that has been beaten and nailed, by you and me…but it’s crazy how I will forever see that on the cross his arms will always be open for me.
My heart beats these last few verses to complete the vision that He can only give.
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God: believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” John 14: 1-3