They said I would never make it without changing myself. They said I was imperfect. They said that there will always be someone better than me.
Before I got saved I was pursuing a career in the music and entertainment industry. As a young woman 5’2 and 125 pounds, I was told that I was overweight. I was told that I need to be better. I was told that more clothes need to come off to compete with all the other girls trying to “make it”. I was told that I was just not good enough. I was told that I need to change who I was in order to succeed in this world and to make it in Hollywood…
That never sat well with me. I never wanted to be famous. I never wanted to be this Hollywood Star. All I wanted to do was to sing. I would always have a melody in my head or singing a song. As I got older and went through some growing pains, I realized how much I immersed myself into music. I realized how powerful song is. I realized how music made me feel. It was my first resort, it was my comfort, it was where I was safe to express everything I felt, whether it was loneliness, sadness, or joy and empowerment. I was able to completely be myself in music, the self that I knew. I made a decision to pursue music when I was 14 years old. My mom put me in singing lessons and I started developing a voice, but I lost all confidence in myself. The more I tried to express myself publicly, the more I lost myself; who I was as a person, who I was as an individual. I lost my core.
Imagine a young woman pursuing a career in music not knowing where to go, who to go to, with no guidance, and no support… Imagine how lost someone can get trying to fit a mold that is completely opposite of the person you are. Imagine how lost someone can get when you don’t know who to trust, you don’t know who is on your side, and you know nothing about the logistics behind contracts and the fine print. The lines got so blurred for me. I completely lost MYSELF. My mind was filled with what everyone else wanted for me and from me. I allowed myself to be fed by words of lies and I found myself entrapped in a world that was so full of sin.
What I always struggled with was the example and the image I was setting out for young women. When I would write my songs, the one thing I struggled with were the words I was going to sing and put out into the world. Who was I going to be? What is my purpose? Who was I singing to? What are the words that are going to impact this generation?… It wasn’t the words I was writing. It wasn’t the songs that I was singing. It wasn’t the person I had become that was going to make a positive impact on our generation. I felt defeated, I amounted to NOTHING. The words that were spoken to me became real. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t going to “make it”, and I completely changed my BEING.
I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus or going to church, but I knew at that moment in my life I needed SOMETHING MORE. I yearned to be complete again, I yearned to be me again. When I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my life completely changed. One of the first things I knew I needed to cut out of my life was singing. I called my manager and gave no explanation and said, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m done.” Everyone I knew related to the industry I completely cut off. There was no desire to sing. That dream was dead to me. A couple months after I got saved and made the decision to get baptized, I decided to sing a worship song at church, after many, many times of Pastor suggesting that I should sing something for the church, I finally decided to sing again. This was my way of thanking God for everything he had done for me in such a short time in my salvation. From that moment on there was a desire to sing, but to sing for the Lord, to sing for Jesus, to sing for HIS kingdom and not this world. Now I’ve found my purpose. I’ve now found the words and they are HIS words. I’ve finally found who I’m singing to and why. I’ve found my purpose and it is in JESUS!
The world tells me I’m imperfect and that’s completely fine, because I serve a God who is PERFECT so that I don’t have to be. JESUS is my first resort, He is my comfort, He is my truth. Jesus tells me I’m good enough. He tells me I’m worth it. He tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me that I am complete because He completes me. He tells me that I am loved. He tells me in the storm and in any situation, that I will make it and I will be ok. He tells me I’m safe. He tells me that I can come as I am because I am BEAUTIFULLY and WONDERFULLY made in His image and in His PERFECT will… and that’s what I speak over my life today, over my purpose and over my calling. What are you choosing to speak over your life?