“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” – Bell Hooks
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t “fine” being by myself. I wasn’t dating anyone and didn’t have the title of girlfriend but I found that I used my relationships to fill the void of loneliness. Being “friends” with someone had no commitment and was far away from the land of hurt and pain; little did I know the damage I was doing on the other end. No one wants to love and not feel loved in return. I came to a point in my life where I was frustrated and done with empty relationships. I kept asking myself why was I so afraid of loving another, giving my all? …Then enters God.
I remember coming home from church service one night and feeling so alone, empty and desperate for love. I didn’t know what kind of love but I knew I wanted the kind of love that satisfied me. A love that would protect my heart once I decided to give it away. A love that can guarantee over 100% won’t hurt me once it discovered who the real me was, the real REAL me, the real wretched sinner me. I got out of my car and turned my frustration to the heavens (I was in a very dramatic mood that night by myself in my assigned parking spot) and with my hands in the air I yelled, “If you’re SO GREAT and your love is SUPPOSE to be more than enough. Why do I FEEL this way GOD!!?? Aren’t you suppose to satisfy EVERY desire?! I’m DONE! If You Are Who You Say You Are then PROVE IT! Change me, fill me up God!” That night I decided enough was enough. I wasn’t going to keep taking detours on the path of destiny that God had for me. No matter how cute or attractive that other person was, I was never again going to use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for my own unfulfilled yearnings. I had made up my mind to RUN with God. Since that day forward I never looked back and neither did God.
It took God almost 2 years of singleness to process me, mold me, break me, and build me into the woman I am today. It was the most exhilarating 2 years of my life that were filled with adventure, growth, heartbreak, true friendship and revelation; Revelation of the person in the mirror that I truly was. No more could I run away. I had to face who I really was; selfish, manipulative and full of pride. God shed His light on the darkest areas of my life and never once exposed me to the crowds but like the true gentleman that He is, He healed me and loved me through it all.
Here are a few things that got me through my single years:
- My handy dandy BIBLE : How will you ever know where you are going without THE DIRECTIONS.
- All my Single Ladies, All my Single Ladies… put your hands up! (or single men): You NEED a core group of other Single Jesus-Loving ladies that on your worst day will lead you to the cross and not the club. Some of my most treasured memories are with my single friends loving Jesus together running wild and free. The best ones are the ones that are not afraid of being a little silly and doing crazy shenanigans, where in the middle of the night on a beach by yourselves waiting to see the sunrise not realizing you’re on the wrong side of the beach and can’t even see the sunrise; or waiting for the first one to fall asleep so we could egg them.
- Mentors…oldies but goodies: The best advice I got as a young single woman was from none other than My awesome most knowledgeable wisdom filled “old” (inside joke) Pastor! He said this: “You have the entire world before you, just don’t sin.”
- My Heart (…all of it): In order to be completely healed and renewed God needs ALL of You, not a carbon copy. He needs the Real You because He will not work with a fake. He is in the business of truth and authenticity. Jesus Christ was the first “man” I have ever given my entire heart to, it was the best decision I have ever made. I know without a shadow of doubt that on my wedding day I will stand before my future husband a restored and complete woman. I know that on that day as I enter a permanent union, I will have LIVED out my singleness regretting nothing.
Being single was NOT easy, but it was worth the fight because the end result can’t compare to your wildest dreams! Now, was I a perfect model for all the single Jesus loving people out there? Absolutely NOT! There were highs and lows. It was TOUGH but I never once let go of God. I wrestled through all my trash, junk and emotions believing God for the person He promised I’d become. It all began by first accepting His Son Jesus Christ into my heart. No tricks, no gimmicks, just the raw truth that I am a sinner in need of salvation. One truth that I had trouble accepting in my single life was, “How can God possibly love a person that has broken hundreds of promises to Him and messes up every chance they get?” I came to the realization that His love is not human love. It does not grow bitter or hold grudges. I came to learn the rhythm and richness of true satisfying love that can only come from the one who sacrificed it all. There is no better love than a sacrificial love.
“God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that. The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.” – Romans 8:3-4 (MSG)